MARY: here baby Jesus you can sleep on this hay
HUNGRY COW: Um yeah, sure, I guess
Girlfriend: Just because my parents are professors doesn’t mean you have to impress them.
Me: [adjusting the monocle] I know.
Scientist 1: We've discovered how to clone flesh, we can now create human hearts...
[Scientist 2 cloning his cheeseburger] BILL GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!
TIME SAVING TIP: Throw away your chapstick the moment you by it
The best part of becoming single imo was that month between "Cool I can date any girl I want now" and "Oh right, no, I fucking can't"
When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
America only loves baseball because a ball on the tip of a glove looks like a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a giant waffle cone.