Love it when the person I have a crush on doesn't respond to a text because it gives me a reason to dramatically throw my phone on a soft surface.
[rolls window down]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don't look good.
The tests: OK, wow - this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place!
DRUG DEALER: "I'll leave it in the spot in 15."
ME: "Can I get a confirmation number?"
It's true, if you die in your dream you will die in real life. Also, if you don't die in your dream you will die in real life.
Me: Can I have extra butter?
Movie theater guy: What size popcorn?
Me: Never said popcorn.
Me: [places empty bucket on counter]
I won't work out with you, but I'll show my support by following you around the gym with my phone blaring Eye of the Tiger.
EXECUTIONER: "Any last words?"
ME: [shows them cellphone screen]
"Would you tweet that?"
Every time I try to high five an ant it ends in tragedy.